John Gottman

The failure of repair attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future.

After tracking the lives of happily married couples for as long as twenty years, I now know that the key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you’re not fighting

ike many complaints, it has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”); (2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”); (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”).

One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love modern art, but his wife couldn’t tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn’t remember the names of her friends or the coworker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her.

They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes.

So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced by the four horsemen.

Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account.

The big challenge is to notice when your partner does turn toward you. Remember: unhappy couples tend to underestimate how often this occurs.

happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”

ill they read or listen to the news together or silently alone?