Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This small act might be enough to immunize your relationship against conflict for the next few days.

One of the cruelest punishments a human being can endure is solitary confinement; we’re social creatures and live best in relation to others. Although at times being flexible in our thinking and actions means stepping outside of our comfort zone, it keeps our minds young and active, even allowing brain cells to regenerate.

As someone with an avoidant attachment style, you are often unaware of your need for distance and separateness—you feel the need to get away but don’t understand why.

all bets are off

The fact that one person can take away all our discomfort in a split second makes it very hard to resist the temptation to see him or her again. Just being in the same room is enough to entirely relieve the anxiety in a way that no other single friend or family member can.

When our partners join our inner circle, we become close to them in a way that we can be only with our closest relatives—our spouse and kids (and as children, with our parents and siblings). Unfortunately, life in the inner circle for an anxious-avoidant couple is not a bed of roses.

Our memories are not like old books in the library, lying there dusty and unchanged; they are rather like a living, breathing entity. What we remember today of our past is in fact a product of editing and reshaping that occurs over the years whenever we recall that particular memory. In other words, our current experiences shape our view of our past ones.

With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there are no secure checks and balances in place, people with anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions. When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner.

Experiencing the trap. You develop the eerie sense that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally connected to the other person to leave.

remember that just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to