Citati
My Uber was going to arrive any minute to take me to the airport. The car was going to come to the coffee shop. Up until this point I had avoided it. I had walked all around campus, remembering, savoring the happy and sad memories, the joy and the pain. I was filled up with fleeting images of James. It was time to go. I couldn't stay here living like this.
It felt like déjà vu walking toward the coffee shop. I had walked this path so many times. Good and bad memories flooded back to me in a rush. I wanted to focus on the good, but my mind wouldn't let me. It was like I was transported back in time to when James had broken up with me back at school. Only this was worse. He didn't need time now. What he did need was someone that wasn't me. Someone better.
I was numb before, walking through the rain and mist, but now the ache in my chest was all I could feel. I wanted to think about meeting him for the first time. I stopped outside the coffee shop. It was open now and locals were inside, enjoying their Friday mornings. But all I could see was James bursting through the door on that day that changed my life. His hands had steadied me. He had always grounded me. He was always there to catch me when it felt like I was falling. I was falling now. Where was he?
I closed my eyes and I pictured the rose petals on the floor. I could imagine the candles on the tables perfectly. I could see James down on one knee. His words were all around me. Promises of a future. Confessions of his feelings. He talked about how hard he had fallen for me. Had he lied? I turned around and looked out at the falling rain. I didn't feel defeated anymore. I was angry. How could he throw away what we had? How could he do this to me? I had given him everything I could. I had given him every single piece of me.
I pulled my phone out of my purse. He said he didn't want to see me, but I'd make him hear my voice. Didn't we owe it to ourselves to talk this out? I dialed the number for our apartment. His apartment. This time, he'd listen to me. I'd make him listen to me. After several rings, the voicemail came on. It was a cheery message with both of us talking. It ended with me saying, "and the future Mrs. Hunter." Stupid, naive, pathetic girl. The voicemail beeped, signaling that it was time to leave a message.
"Answer the phone, James. Talk to me! Don't cut me out like I meant nothing. Please!" My voice cracked. "James, please. You're supposed to believe me. You're supposed to trust me! Answer the fucking phone! Listen to what I have to say. Stop pretending like I mean nothing to you. Stop pushing me away! Pick up!" I was choking on my words. "Damn it, James, pick up the phone. Please."
"He's not here, Penny."
My heart starting beating fast. I hadn't realized that someone had answered the phone. "Mason? Is that you?"
"Hey." He sounded pissed. "You can stop yelling now."
"Put him on, Mason. Please, I have to talk to him."
"No, I mean, he's seriously not here. I'd force him to ta
I smiled up at him. "We're good, but you know perfectly well that it's your son brewing in there."
"I beg to differ. This baby is every bit you." Suddenly the smile was gone from his face as he lightly touched my chin. "What's wrong?" He ran the pad of this thumb beneath my eye even though I knew my tears were gone.
I swallowed hard. A lie was on the tip of my tongue and I wasn't even sure where it had come from. The word nothing just wanted to fall out of me. The thought of the lie left a sour taste in my mouth. That was the one thing we never did. Not now. Not after everything we'd been through. "I got another rejection letter in the mail." I bit the inside of my lip, feeling every bit the failure.
He placed a soft kiss against my forehead. "Those agencies are insane. They have no idea what they're missing out on."
I laughed. "I don't know about that. They're all saying the same thing. Which means I'm the one that's insane for thinking I had a chance."
"You know, you could let me read it. Maybe I could help." He leaned against the counter as he stared at me.
I let my eyes wander down to his lips. For some reason I was finding it hard to concentrate on his words. Probably because we were rarely alone. And by some stroke of luck it was currently just the two of us. I forced my eyes back up to his. "You can read it. Eventually. The grand plan was to get an agent, get it published, and give you a real hardback copy. I wanted you to read it when I was sure that it was perfect. I wanted to show you that I was worth something more than..." I let my voice trail off. "I just want to prove that I'm worthy of you."
"Oh, Penny." He wrapped his arms around me.
I breathed in his heavenly cologne. Wife. Mother. I didn't need the extra title. This was all I truly wanted. "I could get a thousand rejections and I'd still be happy," I mumbled into his neck.
He kept his arms wrapped around me, and didn't say a word. But his silence was louder than words. I knew exactly what he was thinking.
"I need to do this one thing on my own," I whispered.
"I didn't say anything."
"But you were thinking it."
He sighed and took a step back from me. "Honestly, it's probably good to have anonymity. Our life is already in the public eye way more than I'd like it to be. I'm getting used to the idea of you wanting to use a pen name."
"Really?" I placed my hand on my stomach. Both my boys were agreeing with me tonight.
"Really. You took my name in real life. That's what matters to me, Mrs. Penny Hunter. Now, aren't you going to ask me what's in the bag?"
I looked at the grocery bag on the counter. I hadn't even noticed that he brought one in. I smiled at him. "Fruit and chocolate?"
He laughed and slid the bag down the counter toward me. I opened it up and pulled out the bananas and Dove ice cream bars.
"Hei, frumoaso."James mi-a sărutat templul și și-a alergat mâna de-a lungul stomacului meu. "Cum sunt fetele mele astăzi?"
I-am zâmbit. "Suntem bine, dar știi foarte bine că este fiul tău berii acolo."
"Mă rog să difere. Acest copil este fiecare bit tine."Dintr-o dată zâmbetul a dispărut de pe fața lui, în timp ce mi-a atins ușor bărbia. "Ce sa întâmplat?"El a fugit pad de acest deget sub ochiul meu, chiar dacă am știut lacrimile mele au dispărut.
Am înghițit tare. O minciună era pe vârful limbii mele și nici măcar nu eram sigur de unde venise. Cuvântul nimic nu a vrut doar să cadă din mine. Gândul minciunii mi-a lăsat un gust acru în gură. Ăsta a fost singurul lucru pe care nu l-am făcut niciodată. Nu acum. Nu după toate prin câte am trecut. "Am primit o altă scrisoare de respingere prin poștă."Mi-am mușcat interiorul buzei, simțind fiecare eșec.
Mi-a pus un sărut moale pe frunte. "Aceste agenții sunt nebunești. Habar n-au ce pierd."
Am râs. "Nu știu despre asta. Toți spun același lucru. Ceea ce înseamnă că eu sunt cel care este nebun pentru gândire am avut o șansă."
"Știi, ai putea să mă lași să-l citesc. Poate te pot ajuta."S-a sprijinit de tejghea în timp ce se uita la mine.
Mi-am lăsat ochii să rătăcească până la buzele lui. Din anumite motive, mi-a fost greu să mă concentrez asupra cuvintelor sale. Probabil pentru că eram rareori singuri. Și de unele accident vascular cerebral de noroc a fost în prezent doar noi doi. Mi-am forțat ochii înapoi la a lui. "O poți citi. În cele din urmă. Marele plan era să iau un agent, să-l public și să-ți dau o copie adevărată. Am vrut s-o citești când eram sigur că e perfectă. Am vrut să-ți arăt că am fost în valoare de ceva mai mult decât..."Mi-am lăsat vocea să plece. "Vreau doar să dovedesc că sunt demn de tine."
"Oh, Penny."Și-a înfășurat brațele în jurul meu.
Am respirat în colonia lui cerească. Soție. Mamă. Nu aveam nevoie de titlul în plus. Asta a fost tot ce mi-am dorit cu adevărat. "Aș putea primi o mie de respingeri și aș fi în continuare fericit", mormăi în gâtul lui.
Și-a ținut brațele înfășurate în jurul meu și nu a spus un cuvânt. Dar tăcerea lui era mai tare decât cuvintele. Știam exact la ce se gândea.
"Trebuie să fac acest lucru pe cont propriu", am șoptit.
"Nu am spus nimic."
"Dar te gândeai la asta."
A oftat și a făcut un pas înapoi de la mine. "Sincer, este probabil bine să ai anonimat. Viața noastră este deja în ochii publicului mult mai mult decât aș vrea să fie. Încep să mă obișnuiesc cu ideea că vrei să folosești un pseudonim."
"Într-adevăr?"Mi-am pus mâna pe stomac. Amândoi băieții mei au fost de acord cu mine în seara asta.
"Într-adevăr. Mi-ai luat numele în viața reală. Asta contează pentru mine, Dnă Penny Hunter. Nu mă întrebi ce e în geantă?"
M-am uitat la sacul alimentar de pe tejghea. Nici măcar nu am observat că a adus unul. I-am zâmbit. "Fructe și ciocolată?"
El a râs și a alunecat geanta pe tejghea spre mine. Am deschis-o și am scos bananele și batoanele de înghețată Dove.