The How of Happiness

sure that your goals are meaningful to you. Is your only motivation to become an artist the fact that you consider painting fun, or do you additionally find a sense of purpose while engaging in it? Pleasure is not enough to sustain most people’s interest and commitment for extended periods of time.20 Value and meaning are vital.

William James, the “father” of psychology (and brother to Henry James), once wrote, “My experience is what I agree to attend to.” This is a revolutionary thought. What you notice and what you pay attention to is your experience; it is your life.

Flow provides a natural high that, unlike artificial highs or pure hedonistic pleasures, is a positive, productive, and controllable experience that does not cause guilt, shame, or other damage to the self or the society at large.

Flow is a way of describing an experience that falls in just the right space between boredom and anxiety.

In truth, a deep sense of shared rituals, dreams, and goals underlies thriving relationships. These all are elements that connect you to each other and create a singular inner life shared by just the two of you. You grow together, explore new directions and take risks together, challenge your assumptions together, and take responsibility together.

Indeed, any helping behavior that is burdensome, interferes with your daily goals and functioning, or causes bitterness would surely backfire as a path to happiness, though it may remain the appropriate, honorable, or right thing to do.

If you do too little, you won’t obtain much benefit in happiness. If you do too much, you may end up feeling overburdened, angry, or fatigued.

Amazingly, the typical depressed person doesn’t seek treatment for an average of nine years after experiencing her first symptoms.2

Below is a sample of my observations, as well as those of other researchers, of the thinking and behavior patterns of the happiest participants in our studies.

They devote a great amount of time to their family and friends, nurturing and enjoying those relationships.
They are comfortable expressing gratitude for all they have.
They are often the first to offer helping hands to coworkers and passersby.
They practice optimism when imagining their futures.
They savor life’s pleasures and try to live in the present moment.
They make physical exercise a weekly and even daily habit.
They are deeply committed to lifelong goals and ambitions (e.g., fighting fraud, building cabinets, or teaching their children their deeply held values).
Last but not least, the happiest people do have their share of stresses, crises, and even tragedies. They may become just as distressed and emotional in such circumstances as you or I, but their secret weapon is the poise and strength they show in coping in the face of challenge.

Frisch, M. B. (2005). Quality of Life Therapy: Applying a Life Satisfaction Approach to Positive Psychology and Cognitive Therapy. New York: John Wiley