Hear Me Raw

and fearful that the feeling of scare and fear is going to make me sick. Lost. Overwhelmed. Out of control. And wellness just blocks all of that. Henrietta?

And this feeling of scared and fear, makes me even more scared

were promised to me? Or I’m scared that maybe I won’t die of cancer and I’ll live like Great Grandma Nancy to 104 years old and it will all be for what? I’ll have no-one there, the memories saved will be over-exposed and airbrushed, they’ll mean nothing. And I’ll still have not worked it out. And I’ll still be full of worry and I’ll feel utterly alone.
Sorry but I’ve got more. I’m scared I’ll never get married, like Jodi. I’m scared that I might not want to. Or buy a house. Or do anything that everyone expects me to do

Like. Sorry but dying. I’m really scared of dying without doing anything meaningful. And I hate that no-one talks about dying ever. You’re dead and everyone just gets on with it like it never even happened. Sorry. I’m scared of fucking cancer. And dad thinks it’s weak to think about the things we can’t control. He said that’s why you got sick. But I can’t stop thinking. Ever. About why I’m here. And why you’re not. And if this is really it. And if I’m doing the right thing. And that maybe there’s no plan for anything and it’s all meaningless. And that freaks the fuck out of me. And I’ll waste my whole life worrying and then I’ll die and still be totally underwhelming. I’ll die without achieving all the things that