The Highly Sensitive Child

Chapter 7 will focus on coping with the problems that arise with this quality of HSCs. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:

In one family, a quiet artist who does not like sports will be considered ideal. In another, this child will be a huge disappointment. But there is always a good fit when parents accept their children for who they are, then adapt their methods to suit the child.

Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome

HSCs and ADD

Interestingly, even a study of fruit flies found this difference—and the gene that causes it. Some fruit flies have a place on their “forage” gene that makes them “sitters”—they do not forage far when food is present. Others are called “rovers” and do forage afar. Even more interesting, the gene causes the sitters to have the more sensitive, highly developed nervous systems!

ut too often sensitivity is the last explanation adults think of when children rage, are depressed, bounce off the walls, have stomachaches, or become stressed-out overachievers. It is my hope that, with the publication of this book, people will no longer overlook that possibility.

Some overstimulated HSCs bounce off the walls and seem to have attention deficit disorder, ADD (but their attention is fine when they are not overstimulated and have their priorities straight—more about that later). Or they have “meltdowns,” lying on the floor and screaming. Others become very still and quiet when overstimulated. Some develop stomachaches or headaches—their body’s reaction and also its solution if that means they can go and rest.

Strive to “contain” your child’s negative emotions until your HSC can do it for herself. Ideally, you go off to a quiet place and let the child fully express the feelings while you remain calm and non-defensive. Your attitude should be “tell me more, tell me all about it, and what else, and what else.…” This full expression will allow both of you to later get at what was the real cause, and meanwhile your child can feel all that is happening inside without having to endure it alone. You will hold it with her until, with years and experience, she can hold it alone. We will consider this containing task more in Chapter 7.
Be attuned to positive emotions, too, matching their tone. You want to respond to negative emotions with attention and respect, but do respond to positive feelings equally. Do not squash your HSC’s enthusiasms and happy moods with comments like “If you’re so happy, this is a great day to clean your room.”
Be aware of how being overstimulated and overaroused can increase all emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. A mood often passes with a good night’s sleep, while staying up and trying to talk it away can only add to the overstimulation. Always try, “Shall we sleep on it?”
If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some help. This includes depression, anxiety, anger, and also happy but sleepless “hyper” states. You do not have to take your child to a psychologist—that may be quite distressing in itself. You might start with you and a professional trying to figure it out without your child around. And the goal should be understanding what caused these lasting feelings, not merely medicating them away. Medication should be a last (but invaluable) resort.

Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to handle them. Think about each emotion: sadness, fear, love, happiness, anger, and curious excitement. Which ones were not allowed when you were growing up? Are you teaching the same lessons to your child?
Read up on “emotional intelligence.” Mary Kurcinka’s Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles is excellent for helping parents become sound emotional coaches for their children. Her book has whole lists of tips for the parents of any sort of child: For example, listen to the emotions first rather than lecture about the behaviors, teach your child what soothes and calms her, and get to know your child’s emotional cues so you can help her recognize her feelings.
Talk to your HSC about emotions. These children in particular need to be able to name what they are feeling and what might have caused it so that they can feel more in control over the inner tumult. Talk about how you have handled

Tell your child this story: I knew a woman who could break world records in her sport at small contests, but could never do it at the Olympic trials. She and I had to conclude that the Olympics did not identify the best athletes, but the best athletes under conditions of very high stimulation.
• See that some of your child’s competencies are not ones that can be much affected by pressure—for example, artwork, skilled care for a pet or plants, and physical activities like long-distance running or hiking in which one meets personal goals.
• Help your child enjoy a variety of activities at a noncompetitive level—singing with you in the car or doing a play for a supportive family audience. She does not have to try out for choir or join the drama club to enjoy these. If a talent does appear, you can always encourage it, but “being a pro” is less important than enjoying.
3. Deep Inner Reactions