Darkside Zodiac: Cancer

MAKE LOVE AND WAR
Venus is the girlie planet of luv, right? And Mars is planet lad, the warlord. You may also have a sneaking feeling that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Don’t be upset if I tell you this is not true. All of us, of all genders, have a stake in both planets. Where they are in your birthchart has what I shall call consequences.

www.alabe.com/freechart

know, you’re sure as hell not going to tell them), you are baking cookies for them; and when you are not baking cookies, you are remembering how they didn’t send you a birthday card four years ago, and cutting them dead in the mall. You are a moody jerk; is this your fault? Not entirely; blame your planet.

That’s all very well, you say, but how do I know where the Moon was when I was born? There are long, complicated (and, frankly, dull) tables called ephemerides that tell you where every planet (and for tedious astrological reasons, the Moon is an honorary planet) stood in the heavens, atmosphere bated, as you made your sorry debut

defining gracelessness. Depressing, isn’t it? Notice that they are all diminutive Disneyfied versions of big, bad feelings. You yearn to be Wagnerian, but are too negative—and who ever heard of Valkyries riding down to snatch squashed crabs off the battlefield to glory in some crustacean Valhalla? You’ll never be more than just another pebble on the beach, negligible in the scheme of things, and you are perversely proud of your strong grip on the essential futility of existence.