Disarming the Narcissist

The art of mutual respect is an expression of the gift of generosity.
The art of self-disclosure is an expression of the gift of courage.
The art of discernment is an expression of the gift of truth.
The art of collaboration is an expression of the gift of shared effort.
The art of anticipating clashes is an expression of the gift of foresight.
The art of apology is an expression of the gift of responsibility.
The art of reflective listening is an expression of the gift of balance.

if you’re aware that you’re very angry but would primarily like to communicate that you feel lonely, you’ll need to consciously express yourself in a way that communicates loneliness rather than anger.

Give the other person an example of what you expect in return. For example, if you speak calmly and respectfully, you’ll have a better chance of getting the same in response.

acronym FORCE, which stands for flexibility, openness, receptivity, competence, and enlightenment.

Engage in Distraction

Healthy distractions can also be valuable for stabilizing your mood and calming your emotions while in time-out mode. Here are some suggestions:

Read or write poetry.
Listen to music.
Do a crossword puzzle.
Organize.
Make a to-do list.
Dance or sing.
Exercise.
Meditate.
Take a bath.
Get a massage

good advocate for my vulnerable self. I must advocate for myself without acting out.
>Instead of flipping into angry mode or suppressing my feelings with food, I could do something else:
>Write in my journal for five minutes.
>Call my friend who always knows how to calm and reassure me when I feel like this.
>Write down and practice what I’d like to communicate and how I’ll say it when we take the issue up again.

Here’s how that might look:

>I’m aware that I’m feeling furious with the narcissist.
>My emotional deprivation and self-sacrifice schemas are getting activated because I feel misunderstood and resent being taken for granted.
>I want to scream and punish him. I also notice food cravings.
>These are the feelings of the powerless little girl who had to make tremendous sacrifices to feel appreciated and noticed. But I don’t need to prove anything now. I have choices. I’m not powerless, and I do have rights in this relationship. Spewing anger at the narcissist is useless. Bingeing on unhealthy foods may be soothing momentarily, but it can only camouflage my pain, not heal it. I have a right to feel angry, but I don’t need to become the anger. I am a capable adult who understands the narcissist’s issues and quirks and my own. I can be an effective spokesperson for my feelings and a

Time-outs can be very helpful for de-escalation and self-reflection and also allow the physiological effects of the fight, flight, or freeze response to subside.

The implicit assumption rule is more familiarly known as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. You suggest to the narcissist that he probably doesn’t appreciate how hurtful his words are and that you assume that he didn’t mean to be so critical, but that it did upset you. Remember, most narcissists don’t really intend to harm; rather, they seek to protect themselves.

Differentiating between fault and responsibility
Setting limits
Establishing the rules of reciprocity