Stuff I've Been Feeling Lately

You want the happily ever after

you always thought you deserved,

but the only thing actually promised

in this life is uncertainty.

I’m not the one who got away.
Late nights and loneliness
have built me up in your head.
Letting go of even the wrong heart
can play tricks on one’s mind,
confusing two souls that
once mated for soul mates.
So, please, the next time
the smell of Chanel fills up a room
and you find yourself
reminded of me, remember:
I never even wore perfume

to friends and enemies,

to happy birthdays and hungover mornings,

to harsh realities and unattainable daydreams,

It is impossible to escape this world unscathed.

So, embrace this m e s s y,

un certain existence

and live

I carry you with me all of the time, but I feel your absence most on the days when I’m the happiest.

Not when I need you here the most,

but when I want you here the most.

I believe grief is like a shadow.

The strongest people I know
make the decision every day to wake up
and place their two feet on the ground

Some things slow my world down but nothing has truly

stopped it from spinning.

I don’t give up;

even when I feel defeated

and proclaim,

I give up,

I never really do.

What I’ve been carrying quietly

on my shoulders for years

the only thing actually promised
in this life is uncertainty.

There are
lay
ers
to loving me.
In the beginning, I am quite easy to love.
My surface is smooth, my smiles tender.
But as time undresses,
my insides are revealed to be rough and ragged.
It will become awfully difficult to love me.
At times, borderline impossible.
Many have left; for people would rather
see a car accident unfold from afar,
than be the shotgun rider.
Until you.
Only you can see all you see, know all you know
about me, and still look at me like this.