Everything I Know About Love

We had absolutely nothing in common. But he wanted to be my first proper boyfriend, and when I was nineteen that was a good enough reason to go out with someone.

The worst feeling in the world is being dumped.

People told me how great I looked, over and over and over again. Every compliment fed me like lunch.

I never felt overweight, but my body type was often muddily described as ‘a big girl’.

Intensity and intimacy. How could I have got them so mixed up?

For some, the sound that defined their adolescence was the joyful shrieks of their siblings playing in the garden. For others, it was the chain rattle of their much-loved bike, hobbling along hills and vales. Some will recall birdsong as they walked to school, or the sound of laughing and footballs being kicked in the playground. For me, it was the sound of AOL dial-up internet.

Men aren’t bad, women aren’t good.
People are people and we all make, allow, and enable mistakes.

No practical matter is important enough to keep you in the wrong relationship.
Holidays can be canceled, weddings can be called off, houses can be sold.
Don’t hide your cowardice in practical matters.

I am enough.
I am enough.
The words ricocheted through me, shaking every cell as they traveled.
I felt them; I understood them; they fused into my bones.

How I begged him to love me; how I persuaded him through tears that I was good enough for him.
How I listened to any wavering in his voice that would lead me to believe I could cling on to him desperately, my fingers turning purple from the grip.
That wasn’t my story anymore.
That wasn’t who I wanted to be.